Marriage is a Habit, Not a State

Thinking about James Clear’s Atomic Habits here.

Marriage isn’t a state, it’s more like a habit; and to develop good habits you need good systems, which are basically the processes that set you up to experience better outcomes.

Healthy marriages are active, and take work. But not all work is equal. Some work is systems work. Systems work creates the conditions for better outcomes to more easily and naturally occur, with less conscious effort but with all the authentic results that matter.

Some of these marriage systems are:

• Regularly scheduled purposeful communication

• Learning specific words / phrases that you promise to use certain ways with each other—for example, “The thing I’m afraid to say is…” automatically signals vulnerability and sharing with the expectation of receiving compassionate listening in response rather than judgement or defensiveness

• Shared calendars

• Shared grocery lists

• A commitment to timely feedback

• If possible, leveraging income to reduce routine conscious effort (hiring a house cleaner is a perfect example)

How can you know that you’re working too hard rather than doing systems work?

If you keep having the same conversation with no resolution.

If conflict pushes you apart rather than brings you closer.

If you look up at the end of a week and realize you didn’t give each other any intentional time (affection, eye contact, words, presence).

If you work for more but it doesn’t seem to be bringing any more joy.

Gotta cultivate systems that create exponential returns to help your marriage stay healthy and thrive.